


Constructive Criticism

by astudyinfic



Category: Cut & Run - Madeleine Urban & Abigail Roux
Genre: Humor, I'd say this is crack except I could see it happening in canon, Inept Criminals, Kidnapping, M/M, Ty's good at pissing people off, Zane doesn't know why he puts up with it, mild homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-03-01 02:17:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18790984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astudyinfic/pseuds/astudyinfic
Summary: A bored Ty Grady is never good thing.  Sometimes office equipment blows up.  Sometimes paperwork gets set on fire.And sometimes he gets himself kidnapped, just for the hell of it.





	Constructive Criticism

Ty frowned in the back seat, more confused and disappointed than anything else. It certainly wasn’t the first time he’d been kidnapped but it was definitely the first time he went along willingly. Because these kidnappers? Inept was too nice a word for them. And if they ever wanted to get better, they needed some constructive criticism.

Ty considered himself an expert on constructive criticism.

“What the fuck are you idiots doing? Do you even have the slightest clue how to kidnap someone? I’m inclined to say no since you are already fucking up to an impressive degree.”

“Shut up,” the driver yelled at him. Ty gave him points for trying to sound intimidating, but the way he gripped the wheel until his knuckles turned white made Ty think he was more scared than angry. “You’re our captive. You do what we say.”

Ty shrugged as best he could in the handcuffs. He’d already picked his way out of them but was holding them in his hands in case he needed a weapon before he could get to his gun. WHICH THEY LEFT ON HIM. “If you say so.  But generally, it’s best to check your prisoners for weapons before you get in a vehicle with them. Gunshots inside closed spaces are murder on your ears. And whoever is being shot.”

“Wait, does he have a gun?” The guy riding shotgun didn’t even try to hide his fear. “Why does he have a gun?”

“He doesn’t have a gun!” Driver snapped at him, and Ty couldn’t help but laugh.

“You sure about that, man? Because five bucks says I do. Want to take that bet?”

The car swerved to the side of the road and the man spun in his seat. Pointing to the terrified guy sitting next to Ty, Driver demanded, “Search him! Like you should have done the first time. If he gets to it before you do, then you deserve getting shot in the face.”

“I’m not going to kill him,” Ty huffed, squirming as the man rifled through his jacket pockets as if he would keep his gun there. “If I was going to kill any of you, you’d be dead already.”

Driver paled but still rolled his eyes before pulling the car back out onto the road. “Bold words for the one who got kidnapped. I don’t think you’re in any position to make demands.”

“On the contrary, as the one you are doing this to, I think I am perfectly positioned to point out exactly how you are doing every fucking thing wrong.” Ty saw the gun tucked into the waistband of one of the men when they grabbed him but as he was confident he could take them all out before the man even had a chance to draw it, he saw no problem with egging them on a little bit. “This is obviously your first kidnapping. I’m just trying to give you some helpful tips for next time.” Not that there would be a next time. Ty fully intended on arresting them all for wrongful imprisonment of a Federal officer but for now, he was having fun.

The man found Ty’s gun finally and he held it up in triumph. Ty didn’t bother to hide the fact that he was rolling his eyes. “Find anything else in there?” he asked, though he could still feel his badge against his chest in the pocket on the other side. That would have made things interesting.  

“Unless you are hiding a hand grenade or something, I’m sure we’re fine.”  

Rhodes scholars, they were not.

Ty shook off the comment at the tip of his tongue and settled for something else instead. “So what’s the plan here? Driving around town seeing the sights? Torture? Just taking me home so I don’t have to listen to you asshats talk anymore? Honestly, I’m up for about anything. Though, if you put me in a dark room, I’ll probably have to kill you.” Despite the fact that he meant that last one literally, he winked at the man next to him to soften the words and settled back in his seat.  

Shotgun held up the phone they’d taken off of him (the one thing they’d done right, in Ty’s opinion) and grinned. “We have your phone. We’re calling for a ransom.”  

Ransom? Maybe they weren’t as inept as Ty thought they were. No, they were, but at least they had the right idea now. “So, trying to get some comrades out of jail or something? Not many people would kidnap me just for money.”

“Why not? You’re obviously loaded.”

Ty snorted. “You obviously have the wrong idea about government salaries. I’m hardly worth the trouble.” Now, if it was Zane, they could have made a fortune. If Zane didn’t kill them first, and if Harrison felt like negotiating before his son killed them. Yeah, even for all the money the Garretts had, it wouldn’t have been worth the trouble.

But that got Ty thinking. Of all the valid reasons people might have to kidnap him, a ransom for money really didn’t rank very high. So why did these fuckers pick him up, of all people? “Okay, so you think you are going to get a lot of money because you kidnapped me? Why? I mean, it’s not like anyone is actually going to pay you.”

Shotgun choked on a laugh. “Everyone in your life hate you that much?”

Deciding not to tell them that everyone in his life knew he could kill them long before he was in any real danger, Ty shrugged. “I’m an asshole, what can I say.”

“Seems about right,” the driver mumbled and the car fell into silence as he drove on.

Eventually, they pulled into an old industrial area and Ty couldn’t help but laugh. “Are you following a script from a movie? Because an abandoned warehouse is a little too cliche, even for you lot.”

“Shut up!” Driver shouted, punching Ty in the stomach as he pulled Ty out of the car. It was probably meant as a warning but Zane hit him harder just when they were messing around. Ty barely even registered any pain. “Trevor’s dad used to work here so he knows his way around.” He nodded at the man who’d been in the back seat with Ty, who still carried his gun though he obviously had no idea how to use it.  

“Trevor, is it? Why don’t you hand that to someone who knows how to use it before you shoot your hand off or something even more important.” Preferably, he could hand it back to Ty and let him arrest them all before one of them got hurt but he doubted they would be that reasonable.

Trevor bristled, waving the gun at Ty’s face. “You’re not in charge. Shut up and listen to him.”  Ty admired that he managed to get all the words out considering how much his voice trembled.

“Alright, alright. Chain me to a rusted pipe or whatever it is you were going to do.” The three men shared a look and Ty didn’t bother to hide his rolling eyes. “You don’t have a plan, do you? No chain? No rusty pipe? At least tell me you have some nylon rope and a chair.” They shook their heads and Ty cried out in annoyance, “Amateurs! I guess if I want something done right, I need to do it myself.”

Dropping the pretense of wearing the handcuffs, Ty carried them loosely in one hand while he walked over to a not-at-all rusty pipe attached to the wall and cuffed himself to it. “That is how you secure a prisoner, assholes. I can’t believe you were just going to let me walk around without any way to keep me in one place.”  

“Did he just cuff himself to the pipe?” Trevor asked, the whisper carrying in the open space of the room. “How did he get them off in the first place?”

“Alright,” Ty said, ignoring the question, “what’s next? You have me secured and in some isolated location. Now what?” Zane was going to kill him when he found out about this but this was the most fun Ty had outside the bedroom in months.

“Now you are going to shut the hell up and we are calling for your ransom.”

Ty raised a brow, curious. “And who are you calling?”

“The one marked husband of course. I’m sure he will pay well to get your pretty face back unharmed.”

He couldn’t help it. Ty laughed, long and loud, the sound echoing from every corner of the room. “First, thanks. I’d return the compliment but when you see Zane, you’ll realize my taste goes in a very different directions than your weaslley ass. Second, he won’t pay you. If you’re lucky, he’ll shoot you and if you aren’t, he’ll come in here and pun you to death.”

They didn’t take his advice, but really, that was their own problem. He tried. Surely Zane couldn’t hold Ty at fault for this. (He could. He would. Ty could already hear the lecture.)

“Is this the husband?” Shotgun asked and Ty rolled his eyes wondering if he could have said anything more idiotic to Zane than that. “We have your man here and if you ever want to see him alive, I suggest you do as we say. Otherwise, we may have to kill him.” Okay, yep, that was more idiotic. Ty gave them points for doubling down on their dumbassery.  

“You fucking idiot! Don’t threaten me immediately! Work up to that. You haven’t even told him how much money you want. And telling him not to call the police would be a good start as well.” Not that it would be necessary as Zane _was_ the police.

Zane’s voice could barely be heard through the phone and a moment later, Shotgun pressed the phone against Ty’s ear. “He wants proof that you’re alive.” As if Zane couldn’t hear him just fine through the phone.

“Are you okay?”  It was the first question out of Zane’s mouth and Ty’s chest felt warm at the reminder of how much Zane loved him. Even in the face of the fact that he got himself kidnapped.

He smiled. “Yeah, I’m fine. They have no idea what they’re doing.”

“Is that why you were yelling advice at them? They have you captive, Ty!”

Ty laughed, though he did try to cover it as best as he could. “You have nothing to worry about, Lone Star. Completely incompetent, all of them. They’re more likely to shoot themselves in the dick then shoot me.”

“Alright.” Zane didn’t sound convinced and Ty sighed. There was going to be bloodshed by the time this was over. Whether it was his kidnapper’s or his own remained to be seen, but Zane would definitely be the one that caused it. “Now that that is cleared up, knock it off.”

“What are you talking about?” Shotgun looked annoyed that the conversation was continuing but Ty shook his head. “I’ll be home by dinner, darlin’. No need to fret.”

“Beaumont Tyler Grady, if you piss them off and get yourself shot, you can call Nick to come to nurse you back to health.  Though, once he finds out what you were doing, he’ll probably send you to Digger.”

Ty looked up at Shotgun, the picture of innocence, before asking his husband, “And what am I doing?”

“From what I heard and knowing you as well as I do, you are annoying the hell out of them. Don’t upset your kidnappers, Ty, even if you think they are incompetent. I’ll be there in a few.” Zane disconnected without another word.  

Looking up at the man holding the phone, Ty shrugged. “Apparently he’d rather be a widower than pay you. Sorry.” He knew what Zane had been doing. Probably tracing the phone and was on his way now.  

Maybe he would show up on the Valkyrie.

If Ty was really lucky, maybe he’d even wear that skull mask.

He shifted to try to alleviate some of the uncomfortable tension now in his jeans. His captors really didn’t need to see that. They’d get the wrong idea.

Instead of focusing on how soon Zane could get here and how soon they could get home and naked, Ty decided to try and save the idiots’ lives. “So, I’m going to give you one last chance to get out of here. If Zane shows up, you’re dead men. Trust me when I say he can be a bit possessive. Best not to push him on this.”

Driver scoffed, not even looking at Ty as he fiddled with the gun Trevor had taken from Ty. “Please, like we are afraid of a fairy fa...”

On his feet in a second, Ty pulled the gun from Driver’s hand and pointed it at his face. “I don’t recommend finishing that sentence if you want to live to see another minute.” All three kidnappers froze, Ty moving faster than they thought possible. “Say what you will about me but the moment you insult Zane, I will not hesitate. He’s a better man than any of you could ever hope to be and I will let him kill you. I might feel a little guilty about it but Zane? He won’t give your deaths another thought.”

“Who...who are you? How did you get your handcuffs off?” Shotgun asked and for the first time, thought they sounded truly worried. Good. Maybe it would keep them from getting killed.  But the question brought him up short. Why would they kidnap him if they didn’t know who he was? Unless they were as idiotic as he thought and they just picked him at random. “Counter question, who do you think I am?”

“Some rich gay guy whose husband is supposed to pay us a shit ton of money.”

Ty blinked, looking at the three of them before giving a heavy sigh and shaking his head. “You are just all sorts of brilliant, aren’t you?” He dropped the handcuffs he still held to the floor, the sound of them hitting the concrete ringing through the room. He kept the gun trained on Driver while he fished into his jacket for his badge. “Special Agent Grady, FBI. Also Force Recon Marine, so, next time pick your target a little better. And stop using outdated stereotypes because one, I’m bi, and two, you all would have been dead the moment you touched me if I had wanted to. But I hate paperwork so you got lucky. You might not be so lucky when Zane gets here. He’s with the Bureau too. Like I said earlier, he doesn’t mind killing people who deserve it and is one of those crazy people who actually likes paperwork.” Ty couldn’t keep the fondness out of his voice. “You kidnapped his husband. In his mind, you’re already dead.”

The distant roar of a motorcycle could be heard and Ty grinned maniacally. “Last chance. I say you have about two more minutes before he comes in here and shoots you where you stand.”  The three men looked so terrified Ty almost felt sorry for them. But then he remembered that they kidnapped him and that pity went right out the window.

“Tell him not to kill us! We just wanted some money and you seemed like an easy target.”  Trevor was about to cry, trembling from head to toe. These poor idiots had no idea what they were doing but they didn’t deserve to die for it.

The motorcycle skidded to a stop outside and Ty looked up when the door at the far end was kicked in. “Don’t shoot, Lone Star! I warned them not to piss you off. They don’t listen,” he called, never taking his eyes of Driver, keeping the gun firmly in the man’s face. “I’ve always believed stupidity should hurt but they don’t deserve to die for it.” When Driver relaxed a little, Ty smirked. “Doesn’t mean I won’t kill you if you try something.”  

Zane stepped into the room, gun drawn and looking every inch of Ty’s most treasured fantasies.  Zane once pointed out that Ty liked guys with guns. Now it was amended to he liked _Zane_ with guns. And after the trying afternoon he’d had, Zane was a sight for sore eyes.  

Trevor held up his hands, visibly trembling and mumbled, “Please don’t kill us. We’re sorry. So sorry.”

Nodding at the man still behind him, Ty kept his eyes focused on Driver who seemed to be the only one with any experience with a weapon. “That man has a gun and doesn’t know how to use it. Can you get it off him before he manages to shoot one or all of us. Or most likely, himself.”  

Once Zane retrieved the weapon from Shotgun, he tucked it into the back of his pants. “Do I even want to know how this lot got the jump on you, doll?”

Ty shrugged, unapologetic. “I was bored. Seemed like a good way to pass the day until you got done at work.”  

With a fond roll of his eyes, Zane shook his head. “Only you, Meow Mix. But there was no bloodshed so I’m proud of you.”

This time, Ty rolled his eyes but smiled all the same. “Not worth the paperwork. Maybe tonight you can help me work off some of the nervous energy?” He winked at Zane before stooping down to pick up the cuffs where he dropped them, ignoring the disgusted groan from one of their prisoners. “Turn around, shithead, before I decide that paperwork is worth shooting you in the ass.” He snapped the cuffs on Driver and heard Zane do the same with Shotgun. “Think you can follow along without the cuffs or are we going to need to improvise?” Ty asked Trevor, who shook his head in stark terror.  

“I’ll come peacefully. I...I didn’t want to do this in the first place.” Ty couldn’t imagine how one ended up being a kidnapper against their will but that was something for a lawyer to figure out.  

“Did you call this in?” Ty asked Zane as they pushed the three men towards the door. “Because I don’t think the five of us will fit on the Valkyrie.”

“Alston and Perrimore will be here soon enough.”   

A few minutes later, a Bureau issue SUV pulled up in front of them and Perrimore slid out of the driver’s seat. “Never thought I would see the day someone got the jump on Ty Grady.”

“And you still haven’t,” Zane corrected. “Because he let himself get kidnapped because he was _bored_. Remind me to tell Mac that he needs more to do. I’m not bailing his ass out every time he manages to get picked up for the fun of it.”

“Aw, but you love my ass,” Ty quipped. Alston and Driver both growled in displeasure and Zane’s laughter warmed Ty’s heart. “Fred, you got this? I’ll come in and make a statement later.”

Perrimore looked between Ty and Zane before nodding. “Yeah, you two go do...whatever you need to do. Just don’t tell me about it when you get back.”  

After Fred and Scott had the prisoners loaded into the car and were on their way back to the office, Ty looked warily at the Valkyrie.  “I didn’t think this through. Think they’ll come back and pick me up?”

“I think you’ve been picked up one too many times already today, doll. Get on the bike and stop whining. We’re going home to have a chat about putting yourself in dangerous situations because you don’t have anything better to do.”

Ty grabbed the spare helmet Zane had brought along in an apparent burst of optimism and pulled it over his head. “I always have something better to do, darlin’. I have you, don’t I?”

Zane’s eyes softened and Ty lost himself in their depths for a moment before Zane glared at him and got on the bike. “Don’t try to sweet talk me, Beaumont. We need to find you a new hobby before this becomes a habit.”

Swinging onto the back behind Zane, Ty laughed. “Come on, Zane. You know you love me.  I put the fun in dysfunctional.” Ty knew Zane was groaning as the motorcycle revved and headed away from the warehouse. Ty knew he would pay for that joke and he would definitely pay for the whole kidnapping thing.  

Ty couldn’t wait.

**Author's Note:**

> Come yell at me on [tumblr](http://astudyinfic.tumblr.com), [pillowfort](https://www.pillowfort.io/astudyinfic) or [twitter](http://twitter.com/astudyinfic)
> 
> Also, we made a [Cut & Run discord channel](https://discord.gg/KFfErkb) if anyone is interested in joining and yelling at us about the books we all love.


End file.
